wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
