New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
