My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Boobs are out for the taking
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
