Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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