season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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