perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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