he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
