I'm so fucking centered right now
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
