Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
