the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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