at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
