He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
