I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Randomize
