so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
