I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Randomize
