Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
