I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
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