first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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