cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
