Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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