if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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