I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
