i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
