I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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