I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Randomize
