apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
