i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
