I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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