everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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