My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
