I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
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