Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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