So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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