You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize