That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
