Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
