he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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