They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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