At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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