The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
not ubering you a puppy
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Randomize
