Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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