Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
