Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
