dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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