either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
