im drinking this country out of the recession.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
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