She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
