i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
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