So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
