I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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