1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
He felt like a one man threesome
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
