Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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