Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
