I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
