I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
