new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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