My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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