Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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